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The Joys of Immortality

Lester Hangen is a 2362-year-old human blessed by *mutters something in a foreign language* when he was 31. His parents had gone off on a quest when he was 7, never to return. He had tried to follow them into the desert but his uncle Greg was too strong for him and held him back. He muttered something about drums and debt, or at least that’s what Lester heard. He had run away into a forest when everyone else was asleep and he wept under a tree. He spent the next week living in the forest, eating mushrooms and berries. His aunt Greg had found him and took him home. He had spent the next 24 years living with his aunt and uncle (and his other uncle, Greg), secretly praying to *mutters same thing in same foreign language* every night before bed that his parents were still alive.

One day, 24 years later, he went out into the forest to get fresh fruit when he saw a big elephant with 4 ears and 19 eyes. The elephant spit root beer out of its mouth at him. It spun him into the air like a tornado and he went unconscious.

When he awoke, he was in a cloud. *Mutters same thing in same foreign language* was there, making soup for him. “You had a close encounter with a Arnafil,” *mutters same thing in same foreign language* said. “I shall give you eternal life to fight these creatures.” He gave Lester a tree-like creature. “This is a Snagaree,” foreign God said. “When you encounter a Arnafil, command it to super-kick them. Oh, and by the way,” he said, ”your parents are alive. They are on the island of Draintrona, south-west of Asia Minor. Good luck.” And with that, he had sent Lester back down to Earth.

He had found his parents on the island of Draintrona, after 17 years of traveling. He had just brought his parents to shore when they were ambushed by Arnafil! Snagaree could only take on one at a time, so luckily they were saved by a crashing wave. Lester and his parents held their breaths just in time, and then ran away from the unconscious Arnafil. They went to Bangladesh and built a cottage.

Lester had made them soup one day and cut himself while cutting potatoes. His parents were 86 at this point. Lester had given them the soup and they seemed to grow younger as they were eating it. They said that they felt younger while they ate it. Lester never made soup that was THAT good. But they grew younger and younger still, until they looked like they were only 31 years old. Was it that when I cut myself, they got a taste of my immortality? he thought. His parents did not grow any older over the years.

Lester is now 2362 years old, and his parents are now 2395. They live in United Arab Emirates now, in a town called Ruwais. They had learned English, Spanish, French, German, and Burmese. They experienced lots of things over the years. Lester’s dad sadly grew half deaf from the shot heard ‘round the world, and Lester grew half blind from the rubble of the Berlin Wall. But they all are living happily ever after. The end.

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