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How to Defeat an Evil Warlord

On the faraway planet of B-13, there lived a species named dumdums. Dumdums are small, spectral creatures. Most of them are sort of roundish, but a couple of them are more tall and thin. They live in a region named Frair, near the north pole.

This is the story of a dumdum named Didlydum. Didlydum was the type to easily overlook, figuratively and literally, as he was only about 7 or so and was still very short. His parents were away doing some important work thing, so he lived with his Aunt Trisleydum. Didlydum was the great^23-grandson of the great hero Snudleydum. Snudleydum fought off the evil Dongols using guts, brains, and a paper bag. Didlydum was destined for greatness, everyone said, because he looked almost identical to Snudleydum, only being half a centimeter shorter than he was at that age.

Didlydum, however, was not so confident. He got bad grades in school, he always forgot to do the chores, and he almost ran someone over one time. Yet everyone kept cheering him on.

One day, someone knocked on his door. When he opened it, the salesman from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse was there. Didlydum closed it immediately. He sighed. He was in a “Woe-is-me” kind of mood. Suddenly, a great gush of wind came through the window. He walked over to close it, but the wind was so strong that it swept him off his feet and through the other window. The wind carried him across the land, over the river and through the woods, when he finally stopped in front of a house. The door opened to a dumdum who looked like she was in her late 70’s. She beckoned for him to come, and he did.

Inside, it looked like a small, empty room. She said “Calmaramatoopsie” and a hidden door opened. She beckoned again, and he followed again. The next room was empty apart from a chair and pictures of famous actors and actresses. “Wursleydum, February 5, 1981 – April 19, 2076” was on one and “Snipleydum, January 18, 2003 – July 2, 2092” was on another. She said “Einartererer” and another door opened. There was a staircase that went on forever, almost literally, and she started walking down it. Didlydum followed, but not before thinking when he could rest his feet.

After a little ways down, Didlydum asked, “Who are you?” and got an annoyed grunt as a reply. He stayed silent the rest of the way down. After half an hour, she stopped and looked left and right. Didlydum did the same, wondering what on B-13 is going on here. When he was done looking right, the woman was gone! “Um… Hello? Woman person?” he shouted. He muttered the um part, in case you thought otherwise. Suddenly, there was a flash of white light and BAM! He was in a large living room. The woman was sitting in one of the chairs and beckoned him to sit, which he did.

The woman gave him an expressionless face. Not literally. Suddenly, Didlydum knew everything he needed too. The evil Dongol King Zoragron was back. King Zoragron died centuries ago, but he was revived with some sort of Ancient Power. In roughly three weeks time, he was going to invade the dumdum lands and rule over Frair. The dumdums were very peaceful and never had an army, so it would be up to him to stop them.

He was teleported back to his house, when suddenly the door rang. “I’m going door-to-door to make you this incredible off- where are you going?” but Didlydum was gone. He went off to ask his friends if they would help him. Two of his friends decided to help, Urdlydum and Quamleydum. Urdleydum, thinking it was a game, brought along three toy planes and a toy tank. Quamleydum just brought his thinking cap. Literally. It was a cap that said “Thinking” on it. They made a plan, which I will not tell you yet because it is a surprise. They had three weeks, but they still had a lot of work to do. They expected an attack from the east, so they took a taxi there. When they arrived, they went straight to work. Didlydum and Quamleydum planted large poles every 7 yards while Urdlydum bought three shovels and a LOT of wire. He had to rent an Iikii, which is like a bull, to carry it all. After lots of work, they were ready, with only two days left.

When the Dongols came, they had a war cry so loud and scary that they all flinched when they started it. They all came rushing, unknowing that they would be dead soon. When they reached the border, they all tripped on the wire tied between all the poles. They then tumbled forward into the ditch that was dug. Didlydum gave the signal, and Urdlydum and Quamleydum dug the last bit needed from the side of the ditch. The pool started rushing through the ditch and they all made a comedic face with wide eyes and a gaping mouth as the water rushed through. They all were swept down, down the nearby cliff with lots of screaming. This would be the point in the movies where everything went slo-mo and a calming song started playing, with the occasional slow, deep “Nooooooo!” made by someone right after zooming in on them. And then the slo-mo and song stop, and there’s a huge splash. Didlydum, Urdlydum and Quamleydum had a group high five when suddenly a loud deep voice said “So, here we are.” It was Zoragron. This would be the point where there is a chapter break, but short stories don’t have chapter breaks. Bummer. I’ll just put a paragraph break instead.

Zoragron is exactly how you think he looks. You might think I would describe in great detail what he looks like, but this time, it’s up to you, so go crazy. The only thing that’s definite is that he is wearing a retro-looking headband and that he looks like all the other Dongols. “You may have stopped my troops,” he said, “but can you stop ME?” He raised his arms and suddenly, the ground gave away and they were on an almost floating platform. He did an evil laugh and suddenly grew. If you imagined him to be really big already, then he stays the same size.

He would be considered a boss. He used all kinds of boss-like moves, like stomping and having a charge-punch where it takes 2 seconds to charge and then you have to run like mad in the other direction or else you will be knocked off the side. I’d rather not go into details, but the three playable characters are Didlydum, Urdlydum and Quamleydum. The ending animation is him exploding, shrinking, and yelling “I WILL RETURN!!!” before teleporting away. Then you can fight him post-game with him spawning minions or something.

Group high five! King Zoragron is dead, and they can have a yard sale for the wire! They buy cookies and milk, and then they go to bed. The woman smiled. In all her years, has she never felt so rejoiceful. The end.

P.S. You might be wondering why Dongol is capitalized and dumdum isn’t. I am too, so you aren’t alone.

Copyright 2017 Jack Williams

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