Once upon a time, there was a man named Harold and his wife named Annabelle. They were a happy couple with 103 children, 17 dogs, 12 cats, and 3 parrots. Luckily, they were both millionaires so they had no trouble (well, maybe a little) trouble taking care of everyone. One day, they took a walk with everyone (except Spot, the youngest dog, and Penelope, the oldest child, at the age of 23. Spot was 2 weeks old, and Penelope was taking care of Spot and the house.) and walked into a mysterious fog that Harold had said that it was safe. They went in and disappeared. After an hour or two, Penelope began to get worried. So she went on the route they usually took. She, too, stumbled upon the mysterious fog. She wandered whether to go in or call the police. While she was consulting which was better, Spot wandered into the mysterious fog (Spot was VERY curious, but luckily curiosity kills the cat, NOT the dog.), so Penelope followed him.

“MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” said Evil Alvin of Argonarg. Evil Alvin was, as his name suggests, evil. However, he is more than evil. He is despicable, horrible, corrupt, and all the synonyms of evil that you can think of (apart from unholy, for he had a hole in his left cheek). “I will kill you for trespassing into my territories! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” He pulled a lever and a cage lowered down into the pit. Harold was scared. The only time he had been this scared before was the time when he had broken his mother’s priceless vase. She had bought it when it was imported from China and paid $1000 for it. Now he was so scared, it was as if he had broken 50 of those priceless vases. His feet were already submerged in the odd liquid. His mind raced as he wondered how in the world to get out of here. “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPP!!!!!!” he screamed.

Penelope rushed through the fog, franticly searching and yelling for her family. All of a sudden, she and Spot fell into a hole. They fell, and fell, and fell onto a floor. She looked around. She appeared to be in a warship. She picked up a nearby pebble and studied it. Pebbles aren’t usually purple in my experience, she thought, and put it into her pocket. She and Spot wandered around the corridors while frantically searching for their family. On the way they found Gaga (the cat named by two-year-old Molly), Polly (the oldest of the parrots), and Wootzers (the dog named by 4th oldest Jimmy, who has lots of fun naming things).

Harold was very scared now. The lower half of his face was already submerged and he could barely breathe. Just before his nose was submerged, the cage suddenly stopped. It started rising again! But then it stopped. And sank again! And then it stopped. And rose again! Up above, Alvin and Penelope were fighting over the lever, Penelope pulling it up and Alvin pulling it back down. Penelope had her chance when Polly had flown in front of Alvin’s face while Gaga was scratching him in the nasty bits (Ouch!). “Penelope!” you could hear 83 people say, the other 20 too worried to look or too young to say “Penelope!” and just said “Gaga” or something instead. Polly was still flapping in Alvin’s face, and Gaga was still scratching him, but he had the advantage because he was an adult and clearly had been working out. Suddenly, Spot and Wootzers were distracting him too, so Alvin had lost and had been ambushed. Penelope pulled the lever for the last time. “Penelope!” Harold had said, all but upper face COMPLETELY covered in hair, for it was a hair-growing liquid. Penelope used the pebble she picked up earlier to saw the ropes that were keeping her family imprisoned. They found a transporter and beamed everyone up (it was a very slow process, because you can only do six at a time.) and took Alvin to the police. They ended up having another cat, named Cat (by Theodore, who wasn’t very creative) and two chubby parrots named Twiddlydee and Twiddlydum. The whole (very big) family lived happily ever after. The end.

Image: Peter Freuchen and Dagmar Cohn by Irving Penn (1947)